Ask Our Expert: Learning Responsibility
How do you teach your child to learn that there are consequences to their actions? By not being there to pick up the pieces all the time. Dr Pat Spungin, raisingkids.co.uk's resident child psychologist, offers words of advice.
Raisingkids member's problem
I am concerned that my 10-year-old doesn't take responsibility for anything of her own, e.g remembering to take her own schoolbag to school, or picking up her lunchbox on the way out of the door. If I didn't remember it for her she wouldn't bring it at all. I admit that her scatterbrain may have been inherited from me, but at least if I forget something I do not blame anyone else (unlike my daughter who blames me!). I really don't want her to grow up with a scatterbrain - is it an inherited factor? Can she be taught to take responsibility for herself and her things or is she simply too young at her age and maybe it is my responsiblity at the moment?
Dr Spungin's advice
I think the answer is very simple: consequences are the best teacher! Why should she bother to remember if you are always there to remind her? If she is to be responsible then she must take the consequence of failure. If she forgets her school bag then it is her OWN responsibility, her own fault and if her teacher complains she doesn't have her books, she will have to face the music. If she forgets her lunch, then she will have to bear the consequences and go hungry. Believe me she will only do it once - or maybe twice. It's tough but effective.
On time...or on the bus
I speak as a parent who was forever nagging one daughter to hurry up and get into the car for school - making herself and her brother and sister late.
I nagged and nagged and it made little difference, she always kept us waiting.
When my husband took over the school run, one morning he just got fed up of waiting and drove off without her, leaving her to get to school on public transport. (She was 13 so she was quite safe) It took her forever. She didn't keep him waiting again!
So the answers to your questions are, yes, she can be taught responsibility and, no, she's not too young. Remember that in most of the world a 10-year-old girl will have considerable responsibility for younger children, chores in the house etc.
It's not your responsibility
Responsibility can't be delegated. You have to stand back and let her learn for herself. Remember another year or so and she'll be in secondary school where she will be expected to organise her own work. So get her ready now by teaching her to do things for herself.
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