Is it better to stay together for the sake of the children? Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert, Dr Pat Spungin, presents some of the facts and findings about a difficult and painful issue.

Raisingkids member's problem
I'm in a relationship with a married man, who has 2 girls (aged 10 and 12). We very much want to live together but are worried about the effects of him leaving on the children. Will it have a detrimental effect, and is there a right age to go? What research has there been to show if its better to put up with an unhappy situation for the sake of the children versus moving on?

Dr Spungin's advice
The findings over the years have been extremely mixed. For a number of years the orthodoxy was that children were better off when their parents separated - if the parents were arguing and unhappy, before the divorce. Then more recent research found that children of divorced parents, even where there was an amicable separation, suffered - they did less well at school and were often emotionally disturbed etc. Boys, in particular, were said to be negatively affected by the loss of their father.

These findings should be seen against the fact that a majority of divorced fathers lost contact with their children within 2 years of getting divorced. As you can imagine, this is not a black-and-white matter, but many other factors come into play. Is the breakup civilised or are the children drawn into the conflict? Do they keep good relationships with both parents after the divorce?

A recently-published 25-year study of 2,500 people in 1,400 families shows that 4 out of 5 children suffer little long term damage. Within 2 years of the breakup, the vast majority of the children are able to function normally. What's more, 70% of the parents are happier than they were when they were married. BUT 25% of children from broken homes have serious social or emotional problems compared with only 10% from families that stayed together.

Sorry I can't give you a more clear cut answer, there will be pain and unhappiness in the short term, there are things that all adults in the situation can do to make it easier, and for most stable and well-adjusted children, the long term prospect will be good.

See our Parenting Skills section for more pointers on how to reach an understanding with your child. Also see the links at the bottom of the page for related pages on this subject.

• More Answers From Dr Spungin
• Splitting Up: What's On Your Pre-Teen's Mind?
• Talking About Separation With Your Pre-Teen
• Support Organisations: Divorce & Separation