One of your children is easygoing and obliging but the other is so naughty he's driving you mad. What can you do?

Don't compare and contrast. Comparisons don't motivate. A far more likely outcome is that the 'bad' child becomes worse. As one young boy said, 'If I can't be good, I'll be the best at being bad'.

Look at the individual
The first thing to do is to consider their behaviour, without any reference to your other children. Don't compare them. A comparison is always a put-down for one child. It's likely to make them worse and it drives a wedge between your children.

Don't compare directly...
There's a great temptation on the part of parents to compare siblings. They say things like, 'Why can't you be more like your sister?' in the hope that this will motivate the 'bad' child to become more like the 'good' child. This rarely happens. More likely is that each of them becomes confirmed in their roles, the 'good girl' and the 'bad boy'.

... Don't compare indirectly either!
Comparisons favourable to one should also be avoided, since it is an implied criticism of the other child. 'You get on with things without being asked to' or 'You always look neat and tidy'. The implication '... unlike your sister or brother' is clear to everyone.

Don't try to make one child feel good by highlighting the shortcomings of his sibling. This applies even if the sibling is a baby. Avoid saying things like, 'You're so cheerful unlike the baby who is always crying.' It encourages rivalry and undermines the relationship between them. Try instead to work with your children to build positive and supportive relationships between them.

Your son and daughter should each feel that they are valued for themselves, as unique individuals who each have special qualities and talents.

Notice the good behaviour
Concentrate on changing his view of himself as a 'naughty boy', by focusing on good behaviour when it occurs. Do this without any reference to anyone else.

Alternatives to comparing

Describe what you SEE without comparing:

Instead of saying...
• 'Even the baby can eat without making such a mess.'
  Say...
• 'The jam is dripping off your knife onto the table.'

Describe what you FEEL referring only to his behaviour:

Instead of saying...
• 'You've got such nice manners, unlike your sister.'
  Say...
• 'I was very pleased when you thanked Grandma so nicely.'

Describe what you EXPECT:

Instead of saying...
• 'Your brother doesn't need to be told twenty times to wash up.'
  Say...
• 'I was very pleased when you thanked Grandma so nicely.'

• 4-9 Yrs: Beat The Bickering
• 4-9 Yrs: Treating Siblings Fairly, But Differently