4-9 Yrs: Why Do They Fight All The Time?
It's normal for siblings to fight over everything and anything. Identify
the triggers and deal with them and enjoy a quieter life.
When
horseplay gets out of hand
They are now getting bigger and stronger than they realise. Horseplay
of this type can sometimes get out of hand and turn to 'real' fighting.
If you're not sure if it's real fighting or a game, check it out by asking
'Is this a play-fight or is it real?' Play-fights can sometimes be disguised
bullying. Parents may dismiss it as just fun but to the poor child who
is getting hammered it's anything but!
Why do they fight?
Deal with the things that cause the most persistent fights. If it's about possessions, make them establish rules about sharing. If it's about space, let them divide their shared space in an agreed way. Don't you introduce the rules make them work it out for themselves. That way they are more likely to stick to it.
Tired
and irritable?
Do they seem to fight more at the end of the day, when they are tired
and irritable? If so, plan evening activities to help them wind down.
Watching television, (avoid violent and aggressive programmes) playing
on a computer or listening to music are all suitable low-key activities.
Chemistry
Between brothers and sisters, there are sometimes personality clashes
that make it difficult for them to get along together. You can't alter
the way they react to each other but explain how disturbing it is for
the rest of the family. Tell them the rest of the family want a quiet
life. Ask them to sort out their disagreements and agree a workable compromise.
You may have to act as referee at first but eventually you should be able
to trust them to do it on their own.
You're not the boss!
Older children come to assume that they
have certain rights, because of their age. They may like to boss the younger
child and be the leader at everything. This works fine with an easygoing
younger sibling or if there is a large age gap. With a small age gap or
a more assertive child, the older child's supremacy will be challenged,
sometimes with fists.
You're on a yellow card!
Give them a warning that if they don't play together peacefully - or at least quietly - then you will stop the game. The football metaphor, 'You're on a yellow card!' is a graphic way to issue a warning and works particularly well with boys. Fear of the subsequent 'red card' and 'sending off' may just be enough to stop them bickering.
'If you're going to squabble, go outside'
Bickering and squabbling often bothers the listener more than the antagonists. Faced with low-level warfare of the most irritating kind, try moving the battlefield to somewhere where you can't hear them. As long as you're sure than no one will get hurt, this solves your problem.
Separate them
If the bickering starts again, separate them. If they can't play together, they'll have to play alone. Each will claim to be delighted at this prospect, but playing alone is seldom as much fun as playing with someone else. They now have an incentive to sort things out between themselves.
Let them solve their own problems
If you want them to sort out the cause of the problem, different tactics are required. Tell them they have a certain amount of time to get the matter sorted, after which you'll take away the toy, turn off the television or remove whatever is causing the disagreement. The best long-term solution to squabbling and bickering is to help your children develop their own ways of settling their differences. Reaching a compromise provides excellent lessons in negotiating and problem solving. When the agreement breaks down - as it undoubtedly will - make them go back and work things out again.
Life skills
Conflict and disagreements are facts of life. When peace finally breaks out between brothers and sisters, it's because they have used problem solving and negotiation skills instead of fighting. These will be very useful when they have to deal with other children at school and in the peer group.
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