4-9 Yrs: New Label, Better Behaviour
 When
a pattern of behaviour persists over a long time, it's easy to think that
it's part of your child's personality.
But
watch what you say about your children. As one child told his father,
'Tell me often enough how bad I am, but don't be surprised if I get worse.'
What
message are you sending?
A girl who drops things gets labelled
as 'clumsy' or a boy who forgets things is a 'scatter brain'. When something
happens in line with the label, it takes patience and self-control on
the part of the parent not to say 'There you go again'. But labels like
'clumsy' or a 'scatterbrain' make the situation worse. It communicates
a message about the child that becomes part of her self-image and she
acts in line with it.
To
change the label, change the message
Help your child to change by sending messages that help him to see himself
differently. Say your son is very lazy, how can you help him change his
ways? First, imagine how you would like your child to think about himself,
for example, as cooperative, helpful and energetic. Then, send messages
to this effect by your words and actions.
Send the message that your child can
be different
Reinforce good behaviour. Catch him 'doing
something right' and show him that you've noticed. For example, if he
gets up and helps as soon as he's asked, just comment approvingly and
leave it at that. Acknowledge what he has done e.g. 'Thank you for helping
me clear the leaves'. Don't be gushing in your praise, ('You're SO helpful'),
rather 'drip feed'. Above all, resist the temptation to compare with his
'usual behaviour'.
Set a good example
Be a role model for your children but don't make it obvious you are setting yourself up as an example. For example, say matter-of-factly, 'I don't feel like clearing up now but it has to be done, so I'd better get on with it.' Just say and do it, without meaningful looks in his direction!
Tell him that you don't like it
When your son acts 'lazy', tell him how you feel and what you expect. Be firm and assertive. Don't talk about what he is (lazy). Talk about what you feel and tell him what you expect. So, instead of saying 'You're such a lazy good for nothing!' say, 'I don't like the fact that I have to ask you over and over again, to come and help me. I expect you to come when I ask you.'
Show a little faith
Don't keep telling him how lazy he is and don't act as if you think he's lazy. If you ask him to clear his things away, wait for him to do it himself. Don't get irritated and do it yourself. Expect good behaviour and sooner or later good behaviour will follow. For example, ask him when (not if) he will be able to help you in the garden. Assume that he will get himself up in the morning, by calling him once only. If he doesn't get up and he is late for school, then let him take the consequences.
This course of action is tough. It may seem easier to do it yourself rather than wait for him to do it. You may feel guilty about letting him take the consequences, like being late for school, but there is no gain without pain. It will eventually pay off to the benefit of both of you. Your son can't expect that other people will always do things for him, and the place to learn that lesson is at home.
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