4-9 Yrs: Parenting Skills - Positive Praising
Praising children by talking about what they ARE encourages them to
look to other people to give them their sense of self worth.
Focusing on what they have DONE develops
their own inner standards and convictions. ('I'm a boy who can read instructions
and build things.' as opposed to 'My mother says I'm very clever'.)
Describe the good things you see
Say your child decides to try making
herself a skirt, getting some things right (being creative, self-reliant,
saving money) and a couple of things wrong (mis-matching the pattern).
For positive praise, focus on the accomplishments, and ignore the mistakes
e.g. 'You've designed that really well, and it's a great fabric. Well
done for managing that all on your own.'
Speak about what they DO, not what they ARE
Psychologists believe that praise which
makes judgements about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things
like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't
deserve this kind of praise. He knows that sometimes he is not kind and
often he is downright selfish. He may be troubled by the thought that
if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.
On the other hand, noticing what he does and
praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child
how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his
unique skills and abilities. If he builds a model following complicated
instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated
instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for
help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your
praise has been earned and not automatically given.
Finally... 4 key points
- Be Positive... pay attention to good
behaviour not bad.
- Be Specific... describe what you appreciate.
- Praise What They Do... not what they
are.
- Encourage your children to praise siblings
and friends.
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