Praising Your Child: Positive Praising That Works
Praise is one of the most powerful tools parents have. However,
there's a tendency, especially when praising the efforts of young children,
to praise indiscriminately. If you praise everything, then praise loses
its value.
It's
not what you do, it's the way that you do it...
How often have we said 'That's nice' without really looking? The child
who says 'But what do you think of it really?' is revealing his suspicions
that such praise is not genuine. He senses that you are praising on autopilot.
The problem here is not the praise but the way that it's given. In the
words of the old song, 'It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do
it.' There are a few recognised guidelines for giving praise. None is
difficult to follow, though they may seem a bit contrived at first.
Avoid
the 'buts' - don't let criticism swamp the praise
As our children grow older, we often try to help them do better by pointing
out areas for improvement. Be careful, when you do this, to keep the balance
between the positive and negative aspects of what you say.
For example...
Ben decided to write a bedtime story to read to
his little sister. He planned the story, made a 'book' by stapling the
pages together, copied it out neatly and illustrated it with his own pictures. His father said it was very good but his spelling
left a lot to be desired, and he hadn't used all of the paper before going
on to another page.
Ben had done a lot of good things, deciding to
make a present for his sister, planning his project and putting in creative
effort in drawing the pictures. All these good things were bundled up
in the phrase 'very good'. This is a case where 'good' is not good enough.
The majority of comments from Ben's father were about what Ben had done
wrong. He didn't feel encouraged to make more gifts for his sister!
Describe the good things you see
Say your child decides to try making herself a skirt, getting some things right (being creative, self-reliant, saving money) and a couple of things wrong (mis-matching the pattern). For positive praise, focus on the accomplishments, and ignore the mistakes e.g. 'You've designed that really well, and it's a great fabric. Well done for managing that all on your own.'
Speak about what they DO, not what they ARE
Psychologists believe that praise which makes judgements about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't deserve this kind of praise. He knows that sometimes he is not kind and often he is downright selfish. He may be troubled by the thought that if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.
On the other hand, noticing what he does and praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his unique skills and abilities. If he builds a model following complicated instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your praise has been earned and not automatically given.
Finally... 4 key points
- Be Positive... pay attention to good behaviour not bad.
- Be Specific... describe what you appreciate.
- Praise What They Do... not what they are.
- Encourage your children to praise siblings and friends.
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