Listening To Your Child
In a group as intimate as a family, it's easy to think that you've
heard it all before, that you know what your child thinks - or should
think.
Don't assume you already know. Even small children
are developing their own views. If you want to have any kind of dialogue
with your child, you have to recognise their own opinions.
It's the message not the messenger
Don't get distracted! While listening
to your child, you may notice she has a slight cold, needs a wash, or
maybe you want to correct her pronunciation. Concentrate on what she says
- forget how she looks and how she's speaking. Don't get sidetracked by
things in the background. Do your child the courtesy of giving her
your full attention.
Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional 'triggers' that
can stop parents from listening. Talking about difficult issues, or embarrassing
subjects can be difficult and, instead of listening, parents easily fall
into the trap of lecturing and warning. Chances are, your child has heard
the lecture and had the warning already. What she wants is information
and advice about something that concerns her. When you feel angry, worried
or anxious about what you are hearing, make a conscious effort to control
your feelings and listen.
Listening Is Not The Same As Hearing
Father: 'I hear what you say.'
Son: 'Yes, but you're not listening.'
The words are going in, but the father is not making an effort to understand what his son really means. To get the full meaning of what someone is saying, it's necessary to listen actively. Active listening involves such things as asking questions and checking out what you've heard - e.g. 'Are you saying that she's upset you?' - with the purpose of fully understanding the other person's viewpoint.
Listening is not the same as agreeing
As you listen to your child you may realise that you are never going to agree with him. But don't stop listening. When he has finished, state briefly and unemotionally what you think he has said - e.g. 'So you think granny's house is boring.' Then get him to agree that you have properly understood. Then tell him that you do understand, but you still don't agree. He won't like it; he will probably accuse you of not listening, but at least you have done him the courtesy of listening properly and it is possible that you'll get some credit for that.
On a more positive note, more often than not, active listening allows you to see some of the logic and value in the other person's point of view. Assuming right is not all on one side, you can then negotiate to reach a compromise - even with a small child, sometimes.
Active listening involves only 3 steps
- Pay Attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your child with your full attention.
- Acknowledge What Is Said With A Brief Listening Response
e.g. 'Yeah?...' 'Oh,...' 'Mmmm...' and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures or sermons. Your noncommittal response allows your child to continue to explore her own thoughts and feelings.
- Name The Feeling
Underlying many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable your child to express the feeling, give the feeling a name.
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