Helping Under-10s Prepare For A New Baby
With under-10s, it's not really fair to expect them to react to the
news more maturely than a toddler would. Although they may seem grown-up,
don't over-estimate them!
So
how will your child feel when she has to move over and share you? Prepare
her in advance and help her adjust to this major change in her life as
well as yours.
Get
the timing right
Remember
how long 9 months will feel to a 5 yr-old Don't make the 'running-in'
period too long. (An older first-born can cope with more advance warning.)
If your pregnancy is complicated and you may be rushed to hospital at
very short notice, tell your daughter sooner. Most important make sure
she knows who will look after her while you are in hospital.
Be
clear and honest
Prepare her in a matter-of-fact and honest way. Don't oversell the new
baby. The reality will be a noisy, smelly, demanding creature who can't
even talk, let alone be a playmate for her. Visit friends where there
is a new baby and tell your daughter she will be a big sister soon.
Explain
that the new baby will take up your time and that you may be tired when
you come home from hospital. Tell her what it was like when you were expecting
her. Tell her how you prepared for her birth and how thrilled you were
when she arrived. Show her photographs of herself as a baby.
Don't
go changing!
The
arrival of a new sibling will be a disruption. In the weeks before the
birth, try to keep your child's daily life as routine as possible. It's
not a good time to move bedrooms nor to start a new school. Pay attention
to the details as well as the big picture - don't give old baby toys or
blankets to the new baby without asking your child first. Things
that may seem trivial to you may be significant to 5 yr-old.
Let
big brother or sister help!
Explain that a new person is coming into the family and everyone has to
get ready. Let your eldest be part of the excitement. Let them feel the
baby moving in your tummy. Even a small child can help you prepare a room,
choose wallpaper, get the crib ready, buy the creams and lotions.
Reassure by actions not words
Don't say 'Mummy and daddy will still
love you after the baby is born'. This raises a worrying possibility your
child will not have considered - that Mummy and Daddy might transfer their
love to someone else! If your child does seem insecure, reassure them
with affection and attention rather than words.
Tell them before others do
Far better the news comes from you than from someone else. Tell your child before the world knows. Remember to let them know when you plan to tell other people so they can plan their own announcements to friends accordingly.
Keep a sense of humour
A smile can make the telling easier and keeps tension down. It also gives children a useful cover to hide their own initial shock or embarrassment.
Understand their shock
Unless you're already a large family, a new sibling is the last thing older children expect to have to deal with. They'll probably be taken aback and may act tough, saying they doesn't care. Part of them probably feels excited at the news, while another part's anxious and concerned.
Under-10s don't like the idea of their parents having sex - well, did you like the idea with YOUR parents? - and now the reality is being forced upon them. What will their friends say? How will it change their life? Will you love them less, especially if the new baby's a stepsibling? Will you still have time for them? Why are you inflicting this on them?
Time to think
Give them time to come to grips with it. Don't expect them to share their feelings with you straight away. Children of this age need time to absorb the news and may shrug off any questions. Let them deal with their feelings alone for a while. If it's a stepsibling, your child may even want to spend time with the other parent for a while. Don't feel rejected. It's important to let your child have space to think.
Answer their questions
Your children will often have questions about the changes a new baby will bring. Will they have to share a bedroom? Can you still take them swimming? Or to visit friends? Be as honest and direct as you can.
Don't anticipate problems
Once over the initial surprise, most children begin to look forward to the new arrival. Help your child feel part of the excitement and involve them with preparations. Look forward to the deep bond that often develops between older and younger siblings. The bigger age gap often means less sibling rivalry than between 'conventionally spaced' brothers and sisters.
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