Withdrawing, crying, clinginess and tantrums are signs that a child is stressed and upset. Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert and child psychologist, Dr Pat Spungin, offers some help for forces families experiencing the absence of a partner and parent during worrying times.

Raisingkids member's problem
My partner has been away in the Gulf with his unit for 6 weeks. My daughter (8) is very anxious and upset, and when I talk about her daddy, she reacts by clamming up and won't discuss him - is this normal? Her 4 yr-old sister doesn't really understand what's going on but she's very clingy and has been 'acting-up' recently.

Dr Spungin's advice
This is a very worrying time for your and for your children. The newspapers and TV are full of information and your child will pick up your anxieties.

Look for the signs that your child is also experiencing stress. Different children will react differently depending on their age, awareness and temperament. Typical signs would be bed-wetting in a child who has been dry for a while, moodiness in an older child, becoming withdrawn and quiet, aggressive behaviour or tantrums, coming into your bed at night, nightmares or having difficulty going off to sleep, an obsessive interest in following the news, or clinging behaviour.

Be on the lookout for signs, because your children may not say anything about their fears because they don't want to worry you further. Children will often keep their fears to themselves because they want to protect their parents.

After the disaster of 9/11 research found that many children felt their worries and fears were not addressed by the adults around them. No-one explained to them what was going on and many lived with unrealistic fears. It may seem to you that a child is too young or unaware of what is happening, you may be reluctant to expose your child to your own fears, but try to make time to talk.

When you see signs ask questions that prompt your child to open up e.g. 'You've been very quiet recently, are you worried about Dad?' With younger children who won't be able to express their feelings so easily, just talk about where Dad is and what he is doing.

Listen carefully to their questions, they may give you an idea about what things are worrying them. They may have seen that there has been a battle where people have been killed or injured and worry about it. They may ask questions like 'Was there a big fight where people got hurt?'

Although this is a general question it may be indicative of a worry that their dad was part of that battle and may be in danger.

How do you explain to a child what is happening? Keep it simple. This is not the time for the complexities of the situation. Explain in terms your child will understand, in terms of good and bad and the role of your partner in helping make the situation better. Don't give more information that they seek and keep your answers appropriate to their age. Don't be afraid to express your own feelings. If you bottle up your feelings they are likely to follow your example and suppress their own.

TV and newspapers may give a wrong impression of what is happening. After all, they report events - battles, set backs, bombings and killings - which are not representative of the whole picture. The news will be scary to your child and I know that many forces parents restrict or ban TV coverage, preferring to deal with it in their own terms.

Keep contacts alive. Apart from their fears, your child will be missing the absent parent. Stay in touch by writing, sending pictures, school work, stories and drawings. Make a diary for the days they are apart so that you can all catch up on their return. Younger children, who may not understand anything of the war and have little real sense of time, will be feeling separation anxiety and need lots of comfort.

• More Answers From Dr Spungin
• Parenting Skills: Talking About Difficult Issues