How can you help a child who's frightened of the dark? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist, Dr Pat Spungin, suggests how to establish good sleeping habits and give the whole family a restful night.

Raisingkids member's problem
Our 5 yr-old is an only child. She's been a difficult sleeper since birth and has developed a severe fear of the dark. Every night, she wakes crying, saying she's had a bad dream. It takes ages for her to go back to sleep. We have left numerous nightlights on in the hall and her room but she becomes hysterical with fear if we ignore her.

My husband and I are now so fed up with it, we are resorting to shouting at her and smacking her, which is distressing for all of us. I need to know an appropriate method of dealing with this, as it's getting us down. She's very well-behaved in the day and very mature for her age, although she won't go upstairs by herself during the day.

She's also a very clingy girl and it has taken us a year to finally drop her off at school without her crying! Is this all related? Please could you help us find a solution?

Dr Spungin's advice
Your daughter has a great fear of the dark, so much so that she is prepared to be punished rather than be alone. All children have periods of light sleep when they partially wake, but most of them then turn over and go back to sleep. Your daughter's problem is that once she wakes, she becomes very afraid and is unable to go back to sleep.

Shouting and smacking won't work, so something else is required. If she is 'hysterical with fear' as you say, then her feelings are genuine. Dealing with it will take time. If she starts off in her own bed with lots of lights on, then that's a start. At least she CAN sleep in her own bed. For the time being, give up trying to get her to stay in bed. With the present arrangement, no-one is getting a decent night's sleep. Put a mattress on the floor next to your bed and if she wakes, let her come into your room and sleep there. This way you will defuse the cycle in the short term.

Knowing she can go to your room may just be enough to take some of the edge off her fear. Some parents let their children come into their bed until their fear subsides, and when they have calmed down, they take them back. From what you say I don't think this will work with your daughter. You say that she won't go upstairs during the day so when it's daylight, try to get her to spend time with you in her room. Read to her there, play with her, sit and chat with her. Take your time, until slowly, she is able to spend time there alone. This is part of helping her stay in her bed when she wakes at night.

You ask if it is related to separation anxiety, taking a long time to settle at school and being 'clingy' - I believe it is. This is her temperament - she likes to be close to you and dislikes being apart. Don't forget, even adults feel alone in the small hours of the night and she's probably fearful of many things. Have patience, she is still very young and starting school can be stressful for little ones. What I have suggested is not ideal in the short term but I think it is better than having her 'hysterical with fear' which must be really upsetting for all of you.

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