What do you do when your child resists everyday activities such as going to school, going to bed or after-school classes? Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert and child psychologist, Dr Pat Spungin, highlights the underlying problems that could cause this behaviour.

Raisingkids member's problem
Our 6 yr-old seems very insecure and lacks confidence outside the family home. At home, he can be very cheeky and difficult e.g. refusing point-blank when asked to go upstairs and put on his pajamas (he'll sit on the stairs and not move). I've tried different approaches but it usually ends in a shouting match. What is the best approach?

Outside the home he seems very insecure, and works himself up before going to school - sometimes being sick - this happens after long periods at home, school holidays etc. We have spoken to his teacher who says there's no problem at school and he doesn't seem unhappy there. He also goes to karate and football practice to build his confidence - again a big fuss before going (saying 'I'm not going, I hate it' etc.) but once he's there he really enjoys it. We feel he lacks confidence outside the home and therefore tries to assert himself where he does feel secure - what do you think? Do I continue to take him to footie/karate which seem to traumatise him before we get there, or should we discontinue these activities?

Dr Spungin's advice
There is a pattern in your son's behaviour, both at home and outside the home. Children vary in their reaction to change in their lives and your son seems to be one of those children who doesn't like change. This applies to little things like going upstairs to bed, and to 'bigger' things like going back to school after the holidays, but once he is in the new circumstances, he adapts and even enjoys the new situation. Many children resist going back to school after the holidays, they don't quite know what to expect and feel anxious. This is quite normal.

You give the example of refusing point blank to go upstairs for his pyjamas - try to see it from his point of view. He was happy hanging around downstairs with the family and he gets sent out of the comfortable little group to being by himself in his room and he doesn't like it. Make it easier for him to move from the warmth of the family, by either going upstairs with him and helping him get ready for bed, or telling him to bring his pajamas down and get ready downstairs - whatever makes the transition easier.

Have a bed-time routine that is predictable and pleasant - nice bath, bedtime story, routine of goodnight kiss and cuddles etc. This helps him wind down and both of you will feel better about it. Don't order him to do something you know he won't want to do. If you end up shouting at him, that's bad for both of you. Even small children resist being told what to do and like to have some choice about it. Try the 'when... then' technique: 'WHEN you have got into your pyjamas... THEN you can choose your bed time story.' 'WHEN you are dressed for school... THEN you can pick a treat for lunch.'

Trust his teacher's judgment that he is happy at school. I definitely wouldn't give up the karate and football, you're right that it builds his confidence. If you give in to his anxiety about going to new places, then he will never learn that there is nothing to be afraid of. As for building his confidence visit our Parenting Skills section and take a look at the features on praise and labelling.

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