Your 8 year-old is an angel at school, but seems to be a completely different child at home. In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, explains how to approach this problem.

Raisingkids member's problem
I feel I'm losing control with my 8 yr-old. If she doesn't get her own way, if we say 'no' or something isn't as she wants it to be, she has a tantrum. I'm consistent with her and don't change what I've said just because she's screaming and shouting, but I am at my wits end because her behaviour, if anything, is getting worse. I've asked her if there is anything worrying her but she says 'no'.

She knows she can talk to me (and she has done in the past). I've checked with her teacher and there don't seem to be any problems at school and she's extremely well behaved there - her reports are excellent. We've tried star charts, grounding and withdrawal of privileges but the older she gets, the worse the tantrums. I'm at a loss as to where to go from here - please help!

Dr Spungin's advice
This is a difficult one but there are several key points to consider. She's well-behaved at school, so she knows how to control herself and apply herself. You are consistent and set limits but she still has tantrums, which means she knows the limits but doesn't accept them. Are those limits reasonable?

You say you have asked her what the problem is and she says there is nothing wrong. Often when we ask that question, it's when there's a row brewing or after something has happened. I suggest you try talking to your daughter away from home and the flashpoints that cause fights. Take her out for the day. Go shopping together, for a walk, for a bite to eat. Spend some good time together so that you feel a closeness between you. If it seems right, tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together and resist the temptation to say 'unlike the usual fights and tantrums'!

I suggest that you try to break out of the vicious cycle you are in and create a more constructive one. The trick here is to get her hooked on you two doing enjoyable and positive things. Create opportunities to talk together and explain how upset her behaviour makes you. I would spend time on this now. As she gets older it will become more difficult to change her behaviour.

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