Small children are only just beginning to forma a self-image and are quick to pick up messages about what adults think of them. When a pattern of behaviour persists over a long time, it's easy to think that it's part of your child's personality.

But watch what you say about your children. As one child told his father, 'Tell me often enough how bad I am, and don't be surprised if I get worse.'

What message are you sending?
A boy who drops things gets labelled as 'clumsy' or a girl who forgets things is a 'scatter brain'. When something happens in line with the label, it takes patience and self-control on the part of the parent not to say 'There you go again'. But labels like 'clumsy' or a 'scatterbrain' make the situation worse. It communicates a message about the child that becomes part of his self-image and he acts in line with it.

Change the label by changing the message
Help your child to change by sending messages that help him to see himself differently. Say your son is very lazy, how can you help him change his ways? First, imagine how you would like your child to think about himself, for example, as co-operative, helpful and energetic. Then, send messages to this effect by your words and actions.

Send the message to your son that he can be different
Reinforce good behaviour. Catch him 'doing something right' and show him that you've noticed. For example, if he gets up and helps as soon as he's asked, just comment approvingly and leave it at that.

Acknowledge the good behaviour by identifying the specific thing your child has done e.g.'Thank you for helping me clear up' rather than just 'Thank you'. Don't be gushing in your praise ('You're SO helpful') rather keep it low-key and 'drip feed'. Above all, resist the temptation to compare with his 'usual behaviour'