Active Listening So Your Preschooler Will Talk
Toddlers make lots of noise but do you really listen to them? As they
learn to speak up and express themselves better, it's time to see what
they have to say.
It may feel silly at first, but if you start
as you mean to go on, your toddler will grow up knowing they can talk
to Mum and Dad.
Start as
you mean to go on
In a group as intimate as a family, it's easy
to think that you've heard it all before, that you know what your toddlers
think - or what they should think. Don't assume you already know. Even
very small children have some original opinions.
Pay
attention to the message not the messenger
If your toddler is struggling to be understood,
try to ignore the jam in her hair or her dirty face. Pay full attention
to your child - this also helps them understand that it's not necessary
to throw a tantrum in order to get a word in edgeways!
Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional 'triggers' that
can stop us from listening. Harassed parents may find tantrums infuriating
when they are trying to get to work on time, or night-waking can drive
you mad if a new baby is already draining your sleep ration.
Toddlers have a limited vocabulary and can't
express themselves very well, so don't assume they are just whining or
being naughty. Something may have upset them. Perhaps
morning tantrums are caused by fears about playgroup, or wetting the bed
results from a fear of the dark. What your child wants is reassurance
about something that concerns her.
Active Listening*
If you begin 'active listening' when your children are little, it will stand you in good stead for later! Remember to gear your approach to the age of your child and start small. Don't expect active listening to work first time.
Why does it work?
It discourages parents from jumping in with their own opinions, solutions, criticisms, orders, and so on, and asks them simply to listen to their child and then... listen some more. By careful listening, you show respect for your child's feelings and give some space to explore the problem and maybe reach a solution.
Active listening involves only 3 steps
- Pay Attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your child with your full attention.
- Acknowledge What Is Said With A Brief Listening Response
e.g. 'Yeah?...' 'Oh,...' 'Mmmm...' and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures or sermons. Your non-committal response allows your child to continue to explore her own thoughts and feelings.
- Name The Feeling
Underlying many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable your child to express the feeling, give the feeling a name.
For example...
- Child: Won't! I'm tired.
- Parent: Mmm?...
- Child: I'm too tired to go to playgroup.
- Parent: Sounds like you don't want to go.
- Child: No, I don't. I don't like it anymore.
- Parent: Sounds like you're worried about something?
- Child: Uh-huh... (expresses what he's upset about)
This parent listened and allowed her child to express his anxieties. She didn't butt in with reassurances - 'You'll be fine when you get there' - nor orders - 'You have to go' - nor did she deny her child's feelings - 'You can't be tired, you've just had a nap'. By naming feelings, she encouraged him to talk through his worries.
*This method of listening is adapted from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
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