A Raisingkids.co.uk member is arguing with her husband over how they should discipline their 3-year-old son. Guest expert and super nanny Elaine Addison, explains why it's crucial to offer a united front.

Raisingkids Member's Question
My husband and I have a 3-year-old son. Our trouble is that we almost come to blows when it come to disciplining him (that's us .. not him!) and it's becoming a real problem between us. For example my husband believes that when he tells our son to sit still and be quiet that he should literally do just that - without any books or colouring pens etc. I, on the other hand believe that at at this age their attention span is not up to this. To be honest, I do struggle with discipline. Our son doesn't get away with everything, but I could certainly do with a few pointers. Please help!

Miss Poppy's Reply
Your son is no doubt picking up on the animosity between you and your husband and is confused by it, therefore his behavior has probably become worse. He is confused as to where his boundaries and limits are and is therefore constantly testing by pushing both your buttons. Children need clear and consistent limits and boundaries to feel safe and secure in their precious little worlds.

I suggest the first thing you do it to sit down together with your husband in private, just the two of you. Discuss what both of you feel the needs, limits and areas of behaviour you would like to set and teach your son. You both need to come to some sort of agreement as to what you feel is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. Explain to your husband the needs and behaviours of a 3-year-old person.

Your son is at a crucial age for testing his independence. But equally he may take things you say quite seriously indeed and seem to cooperate well. Which leads one to expect more grown up behaviour in all areas of their life. But remember they are only little and it takes such a lot of effort and energy for them to be what we might define as 'good' all the time. As much as your son will grow and learn at this age he will also need for you to recognize his size and understand his limits. You must both praise all signs of his independence and cooperation with kind words of support and encouragement.

A whole lot of energy!
Little boys have a lot of excess energy so it’s important for you to give him the time and space to expel some of it by taking him outdoors to run around at the local playground or park for at least an hour per day. If you have a garden or outside space provide the tools to dig a hole or a bowl of water with a paint brush and let him wash/paint the house with water. If the weather is awful give him a mop and a bucket and roll up his sleeves and set him to work mopping the kitchen floor. Simple ways of creatively directing his energies will improve his behaviour.

You can also make a sticker chart to encourage good behaviour and cooperation. Begin by writing down four or five areas of behaviour you would like him to improve upon. For example, listening to mummy and daddy. Not acting aggressively, no kicking, biting, hitting. Then at the end of each day go through the list together as a family and if he has improved or done well in certain areas place a sticker of his choice next to the improved category. Try to focus on all the improvements however little they may seem rather than focus on the negatives. If he has not done so well in certain areas just say maybe tomorrow will be better and focus right back on his improvements, as this will boost his confidence and self-esteem.

For both you and your husband your job is to stay focused, clear and consistent on the limits and boundaries you have set. This will help you all join together as a family unit and help your son feel safe and secure by knowing how far he can go. And don’t forget to have fun along the way: 3-year-olds are full of the joys of life!

• How can I teach my child to be more responsible?
• House rules - boundaries to set a 4-9 year old
• Read more answers from Miss Poppy here
• Annabel Karmel on dealing with fussy eaters
• Why parents are embracing Supernanny's techniques