Is it normal for a 3 yr-old to prefer her own company or at this age should a child be keen to mix with other children her own age? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist,Dr Pat Spungin, gives some tips on teaching an only-child with a facial disfigurement social skills.

Raisingkids member's problem
I have a 3 yr-old daughter who was born with a facial disfigurement. She started nursery last year and doesn't seem to mix very well. She's very bright, can count to 40, knows 23 letters of the alphabet and would rather be on the computer than outside playing. She isn't shy at all and we have never disguised the fact that she has a 'special cheek' or hidden her away. We do protect her to a certain extent but mainly from physical danger e.g. we often say 'don't run' or 'get down from that wall'. The reason we are sometimes over-cautious is because should she have a bad fall, she may well cause serious damage to her cheek. She does have friends at nursery but when you ask who she played with at playtime she'll reply 'just by myself'. Am I worrying about nothing? Is this normal for a 3 yr-old?

DR Spungin's advice
Several things stand out from your letter. It sounds to me as though your daughter is quite self-contained by nature. You say she isn't at all shy and would rather be 'on a computer than outside playing'. It appears that, by temperament, she isn't the most sociable child in the group and as you say 'likes her own company'.

I have the impression that she is an only child and if so, she is in the early days of learning how to get on with other children. Just because she says she didn't play with anyone at playtime, doesn't mean it's true. It's similar to older children, who when asked what they did at school reply 'Nothing!' If you're concerned, check with the staff.

I wonder if you're worrying your daughter may be finding friendship difficult because of her 'facial disfigurement', either because she is becoming self-conscious or because other children are reacting against it. You seem to have a very open and straightforward attitude and if your daughter feels secure and supported at home she will deal with it all the better in other contexts. I doubt other 3 yr-olds are particularly conscious of her cheek and it certainly shouldn't affect her friendships.

I think we're looking at normal behaviour for a 3 yr-old only-child, who is temperamentally self- contained. In later life, your daughter will probably be the kind of child who will have one or two special friends rather than a huge social group but this has it's own advantages in any case.

Help your daughter to build social skills by asking other children home to play. She will probably be more confident and outgoing at home so this is a very good place to start. As I already mentioned, home is where she will learn many key skills and once she has mastered them in this safe environment you can encourage her to apply these same skills to other less familiar situations.

Visit our Development 3-5 Yrs section for some useful pointers on teaching social behaviour. Try to practice meeting and greeting skills with her (smile, say hello, look the person in the eye etc.) and praise her when she gets it right. Don't worry if she is shy around adults but do try to encourage her to mix with her peers as much as possible. For more information on encouraging toddlers to socialise read our feature on Shy Toddlers! You might also like to read another of my replies about helping children to make friends.

• More Answers From DR Pat Spungin
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• Discussion: Talk About Toddlers