'Other people's parents let them' - are you really being mean?

All teenagers are convinced that their parents are the meanest, strictest and cruelest in the history of the world.

When your 13 yr-old complains that she's the only one forbidden to go to Glastonbury, take it with a pinch of salt. Her friends probably think that you're incredibly laid back and their parents are dragons.

Some parents are extremely liberal but this doesn't mean you have to be! However, be aware that overly harsh rules can lead to problems. Parenting a teen means walking a fine line between what you would really like her to do and what it's realistically reasonable to ask or expect. Accept that there is usually a difference.

Determine things that matter - ease up on things that don't
Try to accept superficial irritations that aren't of genuine consequence. Remember that 'belonging to the group' is extremely important to your teen. Try to tolerate attempts to fit in as long as safety isn't compromised. Outlandish clothing may offend you but it isn't usually harmful and may answer your teen's need to 'look like everyone else'. Tolerance in areas like this can give you more credibility when you declare seriously antisocial or harmful behaviour out of bounds.

Negotiate a few firm rules - adapt them as your teen matures
Review expectations with your teen. Consider dropping insignificant rules in exchange for firm adherence to a few that you consider critical. Explain why these rules are important to you and be firm in upholding them. Be aware these rules may eventually need to be adapted, but don't change them without explanation. Sit down again and negotiate a new agreement.

Listen more than you talk. Keep a sense of humour
You'll learn a lot more by listening to your teen than you will by talking. Make sure your teen isn't using 'what other parents let teens do' to ask for your opinion on an issue that she's uncertain about. Discuss peer pressure and the challenges it can pose. Make it clear you believe in your teen's good judgment and encourage her to stand by her own values and code of conduct. Let her know that you will always be there for her. If conversation becomes heated, remember the power of humour. A shared laugh can ease the tension and helps to keep things in perspective.

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