Praise is one of the most powerful tools parents have, if they use it effectively.

It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it...
How often have we said 'That's nice' without really looking? The teen who says 'But what do you think of it really?' is revealing his suspicions that such praise is not genuine. He senses that you are praising on autopilot. The problem here is not the praise but the way that it's given.

Avoid the 'buts' - don't let criticism swamp the praise
As our children grow older, we often try to help them do better by pointing out areas for improvement. Be careful, when you do this, to keep the balance between the positive and negative aspects of what you say.

Lisa had decided to save her pocket-money by making a herself a skirt with her sewing-machine. When she showed her mother the finished product, she said 'That's a good effort but you haven't matched the pattern up or pressed the seams. You don't want to go out like that!' Lisa watched as she unpicked the seams and stitched up up again properly. Next time she wanted new clothes, Lisa asked her mother for more pocket-money. Lisa did far more right than wrong but the two wrong things she did got more attention that all the things she did right. Small wonder she didn't feel motivated to try and be self-reliant next time.

Speak about what they DO, not what they ARE
Psychologists believe that praise which makes judgements about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't deserve this kind of praise. He may be troubled by the thought that if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.

On the other hand, noticing what he does and praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his unique skills and abilities. If he builds a bookshelf following complicated instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your praise has been earned and not automatically given.

'If I say 'well done', they'll stop trying'
Do you think that if you compliment your children they'll slack off? If we are praised for a job well done, it generally encourages us to do better, not worse. The disappointment we feel when good work is not recognised gives rise to the feeling Why should I bother if nobody notices?

'What If There Is Nothing To Praise?'
There is always something to praise. You have to catch your child doing something right. Have a positive attitude to the things he does and remember the praise must always be genuine. Your child will quickly sense when you are phoney.

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