This method of listening is adapted from 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

It discourages parents from jumping in with their own opinions, solutions, criticisms, orders, and so on, and asks them simply to listen to their teenager and then ...listen some more. By careful listening, you show respect for your teen's feelings and give some space to explore the problem and maybe reach a solution.

Active listening involves only 3 steps:

Pay attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your teenager with your full attention.

Acknowledge what is being said
Acknowledge what is said with a brief listening response: Yeah? Oh, Mmmm..... and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures or sermons. Your non-committal response allows your teen to continue to explore her own thoughts and feelings.

Name the feeling
Underlying many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable your teenager to express the feeling, give the feeling a name. An example of this is given below:

Teen: This maths project sucks.
Mother: Mmnn?
Teen: It's boring.
Mother: You're not in the mood for it?
Teen: No. I can't do these equations. They're stupid.
Mother: Sounds like you're having problems?
Teen: Yes.. (tells mother what she's giving her trouble)

This mother listened and allowed her teenager to express her anxieties. She didn't butt in with reassurances (Oh, it'll be okay if you concentrate on it) nor orders (Get on with your project now!) nor did she deny her teen's feelings (Maths has always been your best subject). By naming feelings, she encouraged her to talk through her worries.

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