Listening
So Your Teenagers Will Talk
In a group as intimate as a family, it's easy to think that you've
heard it all before, that you know what your teenagers think - or what
they should think.
Don't
assume you already know. Children grow up and develop their own views.
It's a new situation now; your teenager may regard your views as old-fashioned
and outdated. If you want to have any kind of dialogue with your teen,
you have to recognise that they have their own strongly held opinions.
Pay
attention to the message not the messenger
While listening to our teens, we may notice that they have a slight cold,
need a haircut or want to correct their pronunciation. Concentrate on
what they are saying - forget how they look and how they're speaking.
Do your teenagers the
courtesy of giving them your full attention.
Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional 'triggers' that
can stop us from listening. Talking about drugs and sex is difficult and,
instead of listening, parents easily fall into the trap of lecturing and
warning. Chances are, your teen has heard the lecture and had the warning
already. What he wants is information and advice about something that
concerns him. When you feel angry, worried or anxious about what you are
hearing, make a conscious effort to control your feelings and listen.
Listening is not the same as agreeing
As you listen to your teen, you may realise that you are never going to agree with him. But don't stop listening. When he has finished, state briefly and unemotionally what you think he has said. Then get him to agree that you have properly understood. Then tell him that you do understand, but you still don't agree. He won't like it; he will probably accuse you of not listening, but at least you have done him the courtesy of listening properly and it is possible that you'll get some credit for that.
Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional 'triggers' that can stop us from listening. Talking about drugs and sex is difficult and, instead of listening, parents easily fall into the trap of lecturing and warning. Chances are, your teen has heard the lecture and had the warning already. What he wants is information and advice about something that concerns him. When you feel angry, worried or anxious about what you are hearing, make a conscious effort to control your feelings and listen.
This method of listening is adapted from 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Pay attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your teenager with your full attention.
Acknowledge what is being said
Acknowledge what is said with a brief listening response: Yeah? Oh, Mmmm..... and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures or sermons. Your non-committal response allows your teen to continue to explore her own thoughts and feelings.
Name the feeling
Underlying many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable your teenager to express the feeling, give the feeling a name. An example of this is given below:
Teen: This maths project sucks.
Mother: Mmnn?
Teen: It's boring.
Mother: You're not in the mood for it?
Teen: No. I can't do these equations. They're stupid.
Mother: Sounds like you're having problems?
Teen: Yes.. (tells mother what she's giving her trouble)
This mother listened and allowed her teenager to express her anxieties. She didn't butt in with reassurances (Oh, it'll be okay if you concentrate on it) nor orders (Get on with your project now!) nor did she deny her teen's feelings (Maths has always been your best subject). By naming feelings, she encouraged her to talk through her worries.
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