Is your teenager's attitude driving a wedge between you and your partner? You'd love them to get along but they just won't. You chose your new partner, your son didn't.

Understand your son's feelings

• Anger: Loss of a parent through death or divorce can lead to feelings of being abandoned and anger at the departed parent. These feelings may be directed at the step-parent who 'replaces' the lost parent.
• Jealousy: Being the only parent he has left, you are all the more precious to your son. He may feel that he has a rival for your love and there is a competition between him and your partner.
• Unfavourable Comparisons: A step-parent may be constantly compared to the 'perfect' absent parent. Your son may believe that every difficulty in his life would vanish if only he could have his own father back again.

Have realistic expectations
Give up any fantasy of happy stepfamilies you may have had. You chose your partner; your son didn't have a say in it. Give everyone time to settle down. Equally, while you love your son, don't expect that your husband will feel the same. Settle for peaceful co-existence and mutual respect. Warmer and more affectionate feelings may follow in time.

Listen, even if you don't like it
If there are specific things that bother your teenager, hear him out and see if you can work out a solution. Just being listened to may make him feel better, especially if he has never been able to express his anger and grief at the loss of his father. Perhaps he resents your partner's attempts to take on the role of father.

If your son criticises your partner, don't react angrily. That will only make him feel you are taking your partner's side and increase the sense of competition. When you have heard him out, talk to your partner about it.

Set limits on the expression of feeling
Your son will have to work through his feelings about your partner over time. His behaviour is something else. Make it clear that living together is something that everyone has to work at and that certain kinds of behaviour are not allowed - for example, rudeness to your partner.

Although it's very unlikely, there is always a possibility that there may be something serious behind your son's dislike of your partner. It may be difficult to accept accusations about the man you love, but your first responsibility is your son's well being.