Are your teenagers 'punishing' their other parent?

Even if you understand it, you don't have to like it. But are you secretly pleased that your ex is being punished like this? No matter how angry or hurt you may be, you're the adult here.

Heroes and villains
When a parent leaves a marriage, children feel physically and emotionally abandoned, and though your teens may seem very mature, they are also vulnerable. Adolescents have a strong sense of justice and when a third party is involved in the divorce, they can become judgmental.

'I'm on your side'
Teenagers, especially during early adolescence, tend to see things in terms of black and white. One parent may be seen as the injured party and the other cast in the role of villain. They may feel disloyal if they accept a step-parent or new partner, especially if that individual is seen to be the cause of the break-up.

Defining the situation in terms of right and wrong may feel like the only way to keep a grip. Taking sides with one parent is a way to confirm a level of intimacy, especially with the injured party. It's a way of saying 'I won't let you down because I am totally on your side'.

Keeping In Touch
After a painful separation, it's important for teenagers to stay in touch with both parents. Sadly, most break-ups leave each partner with a lot of anger and resentment against the other. The 'wronged' parent may feel secretly vindicated by their teen's rejection of their partner and it can be tempting to capitalise on this partisan attitude.

That's human nature, but try for your teenager's sake to resist the impulse. If you want them to re-establish their relationship with their other parent, be very careful about how you speak about your ex in front of them.

Ensuring The Bond Isn't Broken
State explicitly what you want. Say that you want them to make it up with their parent. Discourage them from saying critical things about your ex and stress that they don't have to prove their love for you by taking sides.

Make it clear to them that although you and your partner have split up, you appreciate their underlying feelings for the other parent are still the same.

Whatever your ex's faults, he or she is still your children's father or mother. What happened between you is just between the two of you, so make sure your teenagers know you believe it is important for them to have a relationship with both of their parents.