If your teenager feels he's no good at anything - how can you help him?

Adolescence is a trying time and can lead to periods of anxiety and self-doubt. Relationships, school and concerns about his future all add to his worries.

In the process of becoming independent and self-reliant, your son may feel insecure about what he has to offer the world. Parents have more influence on their teenagers than many think and by encouraging your son, you can go a long way towards making him feel more confident.

Listen to him
Don't dismiss it as a phase. Teenage angst can be very real. Give your son your undivided time and attention to talk about what's troubling him. If it's difficult to do that in the house without interruption, try going out together for a walk or for something to eat. Make time for him.

A sympathetic ear is a great help in itself but avoid reinforcing his feelings by sympathising too much ('you poor thing'). Be upbeat and positive about what you see as his positive qualities and skills. Your son appears to have labelled himself 'no good', so look for ways of helping him to undo the effect of the label. Let him know you think very highly of him and that he is surrounded by family and friends who enjoy his company.

Practical steps
Did something happen that left him feeling rejected and inadequate? If there are practical things that you can do immediately, do them. If he's having academic problems, offer your time and assistance. If things don't improve, suggest talking to his teachers together.

Don't take over
There is a limit on what you should do depending on his age. Younger teens will clearly be more influenced by you and need more help. But if your son is in his late teens, different tactics are called for. He is moving towards adulthood and should take a more active role in dealing with his own problems. It's not a good idea for you to go wheeling in to make it right. If you take over, you will only increase his sense of helplessness and reinforce the feeling that he is not capable of sorting things out for himself. Your son will gain more confidence from sorting out his own problems, than from having you do it for him.

Listen don't tell. Be supportive and positive in helping him sort out what is bothering him, but don't do it for him. Ask him for ways in which he believes things can be improved. Prompt him to think about the things he is good at.

Listen as he finds his own solutions and don't rush in with ready-made answers. Help him find the solutions to his problems and then carry them through. They will be his solutions not yours and he will be far more likely to act upon them.

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