He treats the place like a hotel but objects to being treated like a lodger! He can't have it both ways - Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, suggests some ways to find the balance between independence and responsibility.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 22 yr-old has come back to live with us after finishing university. He works part-time and pays £25 a week towards housekeeping, but still expects me to do things for him because I am his mum.

He says I'm awful for 'treating him like a lodger' when he is my own flesh-and-blood and feels badly done-by. How can I get across that I will always be there for him but he's an adult now, and there comes a point when he has to stand on his own two feet?

Dr Spungin's advice
Many mums find it difficult to give up the nurturing role and continue to 'mother' their children long after they should stop. Similarly, many adult children seem to find it hard to give up thinking like a child where their parents are concerned. They want 'adult' rights - to smoke, drink, stay out all night and be answerable to nobody. They don't want the responsibilities of supporting themselves and looking after their own needs.

Your son accuses you of treating him like a lodger but actually you're treating him like an adult, who doesn't need you to look after him, and not as if he was still an irresponsible child. As for him, why is he treating you like a skivvy, expecting you to do things for him when he can do them for himself? Most people of his age manage on their own! Your son knows he can make you feel guilty, and it suits him to have you do his chores rather than getting his own hands dirty. When he accuses you of treating him like a lodger, tell him a lodger would pay more - and get less - but if that's what he wants, you can always raise the rent.

Don't let him make you feel guilty, laugh it off and don't justify or explain yourself. Tell him you love him as your son, but he's not your baby any more. Make sure he realises he's a fully-grown adult and you're proud of the man he's turned into.

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