What would you do in this situation? In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, explains why confrontation is the wrong approach.

Raisingkids member's problem
Returning home last weekend, I was shocked to catch my 15 yr-old daughter kissing on the sofa with a 46 yr-old man.

Not only is he older than I am - I'm 45 - but my daughter insists that they're 'in love' and that her new 'boyfriend' is a good man. She tells me they've been dating for over a month. To make matters worse, she met him in a bar when I had no idea she was going out drinking. Should I ban her from seeing him again? She tells me that if I come between them now, she'll move in with him on her 16th birthday, which isn't far off. Should I tolerate their relationship? Please help me with my dilemma.

Dr Spungin's advice
Your daughter needs your guidance and protection. When she's older, she'll look back on this relationship and see it for what it is - exploitative and manipulative. You must do something now. Talk to them both. Does her 'boyfriend' know she's under-age? She may have said she's older. Sex with a girl under 16 is an offence, as I'm sure he knows. Insist he leaves her alone and tell him you'll check with the police to see if he has a record of relationships with young girls - he may make a habit of hanging around bars with a reputation for underage drinkers.

Don't drive your daughter into the arms of this man by getting angry with her. The right approach is very important. Stay calm and reasonable and don't lose your temper. Tell her what it looks like to you. Remind her you're the same age as this man. How would she feel if you started dating one of her friends? Make sure she understands how concerned you are. You can't keep her under lock and key, so you need to help her understand why this relationship is wrong for her. Normal adult men date grown women - not schoolgirls. Some men find young girls' inexperience and trusting nature a turn-on. It's well-known for paedophiles to 'prepare' their victims by being charming, helpful and understanding. Can you get her to see his behaviour in this light?

Don't assume they are having sex. Your daughter may not be experienced enough to know a man of 46 will expect it. She may be shocked by the realisation. Even if his intentions are honourable - fat chance! - is she ready for marriage, children and settling down? Try to talk to her like an adult, not a child. Think carefully about what you're going to say beforehand. Make sure she knows how much you care about her, and understands the reasons behind your concern.

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